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Johnny's Jive

2012

 

All right, all right, damn it; here’s your stinking Merry Christmas Jive. Now where's my egg nog? Hold the egg and hold the nog.

You are all like children on Christmas morning.

Obnoxious!.

Gimme, gimme, gimme.

You do realize I was washed out to sea in the hurricane that Bruce caused with his stupid “Sandy” song. I had to type this drivel on a passing sea turtle's back and ship it home on a humpback whale.Thanks for bringing down the wrath of God on us, Boss. Can’t wait for Hurricane Talk To Me. Wait…is that a name? In Freehold; probably. Talk to Me Jones. Mayor, no doubt. Oy.

First, best wishes and hopes for all who were hit hard by the storm. I, like millions around the world were moved and pained by the sights we saw in the newspapers, on TV and on the internet. I can say for many musicians that I've talked to that we will all do whatever we can to ease your burden and give you some time away from your heartache. Wish we could do more. But we will get thru this as neighbors from North Carolina up to Rhode Island. The government can help, but we are the people, and will stand together. But not Boston. Them damn Red Sox. Ok, Ok; Boston , too. Arrrrrgggghhhh.

B) Thanks to all the goofballs... I mean, fans in the front row for my birthday presents given to me at BB King's. Just what I need; more fattening stuff. But what a clever presentation. I am now a decrepit 64 and them crazy folks themed my goodies around the Beatles song…you got it... "When I’m 64". I keychain with a pair of miniature Chuck Taylor sneaks for the line "Vera , Chuck and Dave". I was given a loaf of dicey looking bread, (which I will eat and if I die, you know whom to blame, that is a pun on "will you still knead me". And you thought I was a putrid punner. Perish the thought. Please.

And, after some other strangeness, I found a 10 amp Buss fuse. Wha????? I guess there’s a lyric that states “fixing a fuse when the lights have gone”. Never, ever ask me to do any electrical work. I mean, really. Really. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bye Bye Johnny.

 

Oh me droogie brovers and sistahs . It appears we's time on earf is fru. 'urricaine Sandi seems is gonna knock awl hour cobblies into da sea, ya? Saul'ie deaf an' all that. Oy'd jes loik ta say fanks fo awl da support and such and loik. Ya's a been a bulwark in me time a need and I an da boys twoly appreciate da ...wha' evah. See you awl in 'ell, ya? Bloody 'ell...ain't it blowin loik mad!

Southside Johnny

 

Well, my dear friends , as Summer slides down the drain and winter emerges like a frost-bitten cockroach, we all....blah blah blah.

Let's face it; we're screwed. East coast people gonna get entombed in snow. West coast lovies gonna ride them groovy mudslides into the Pacific ocean, Midwestern folk will all become frozen tv dinners, and the South will float down the Mississippi river into the gulf of Mexico and be eaten by giant mutant shrimp in revenge for the oil spill. "But it's not their fault, Southside" you cry? Tell it to crustaceans.

I for one plan on skipping l'hiver all togezzere, zut, alors. Whilst you 99% ers suffer and shovel, old man Southside will be in the warmth of...what? We have gigs in January and February? NO! I done tole you I is a soooooperstar and need my "personal time". Bastards.

Oh well....see you at New Years....and beyond.

Everybody hates me.

Southside Johnny

 

Greetings all you patriotic Jukesters. Hope you had a glorious 4th of July here in America and wherever youse are around the world. Don’t forget…Bastille Day is coming up! Get out the chien-chauds and slap that steak tartare on the grill….no, wait. That’s not right. Anyway...

Thanks to all who came to the Stone Pony on the 3rd. We had a ball and the weather really helped. Much plaudits to the Pony peoples and Jason’s crew from Asbury Audio. And those horns! Ya gotta be kiddin’ me! The band was great as usual. We also had a nice evening with some of our troops on the 4th at Fort Dix which I have been told in no uncertain terms is now called:

     Multi-forts DixMcGuireLakehurstDoDahDay-and–don’t-you-forget-it-Buster thingie.

Whew.

And I thought it was just heatstroke. But thanks to all the nice folks down there for taking care of us so well. I’d salute you, but I’d prolly do it wrong and you’d shoot me.

I hope you like the new website. I’m sure there are still some glitches but don’t blame me cause you KNOW I had nothing to do with setting it up. I’m still learning how to use the electric hulahoop that Kazee’s kids gave me. The little tuskers. Stop laughing, you two!

 

Greeting, Pilgrim. Your search has ended. You have abandoned all hope and entered the new Asubry Jukes web sight…cite…site. Shite. Whatever they call these things. Let ole Uncle Southside be the first to warn --- warmly welcome you. A wondrous world of wacky delights awaits you, wanderer. There’ll be music and laughter and pretty colours and stupid jokes and hazmat alerts and, oh I don’t know; maybe even a kernel of real info that you can actually use. Doubtful, but one never knows, do one?

A small request: if you are reading this in your jammies or dressing robe, please ask whomever does your laundry not to use fabric softener. Effie, the genius-type who designed and runs this website is allergic. Thank you. The Management.

As many of you are no doubt aware, we are playing many newish areas this year. We gotall the way to Montana! Why? Who knows. Ask Tim Drake, aka Simon Lagree, our bookie. It is my fervent hope that we will be in your god-forsaken corner of the world in the future. Please to be checking the calendar regularly and don’t bother asking me cause, like, I know nothing’. I just pray they have electricity there..

Exciting News! Well, to me anyway. The live CD of our evisceration of Men Without Women, the great Little Steven LP will be on offer soon, very soon…any day now…and it sounds fabboo. 6 horns, three screaming banshees, percussion (mostly from my hungover brain) and a smokin’ rhythm section plus 10 great Steve Van Zandt tunes. And, if you act now, I’ll include 3 bonus tracks that Steve and I sing what we laughingly call harmony on. Don’t miss it if you can! Fwi, it costs extra not to get the bonus tracks. So shut up and eat your gruel.

For those of you who endured a Poor Fools show or two, watch out. We are working on a CD but that bum Jon Bon Jovi stole OUR engineer, Mike Rew, so you’ve been given a short reprieve. But we’ll find you and force you to listen to it someday. Fair warning. I hear Bahrain is nice this time of year.

As for a new Jukes record, I have written many songs for it. Now if Kazee would get off his dead ass and finish his part, maybe we could finally figure out what the hell we’re doing. I hope to get that pile of offal out next year. Oh, that’s right. There ain’t gonna be no next year. Hallalulia! You’re saved. Now peoples, I am going to try to be more diligent with my Jives. They may take many forms. One month it may be just news, another time it mayhap will be a song I think you should know, and at times I will have a three hour slide show of my vacation pics. What fun! And I’ll try and think up some more contests for youse maniacs. You do so well at them. Plus I got a whole lotta old Converse that I need to get rid of as prizes. I have to; the mice are starting to complain about the stench.

So there you have it. As gruesome a set of paragraphs as you’re ever likely to come across. Please inform Carol Gerber of any grammar or spelling errors, and Carol; keep it to yourself, ya nudge.

The Jives